People who have known me for a while will often see a particular pattern to my behaviour, I have a tendency to become "obsessed" with things. It's not something I do deliberately, it's something that just happens. So what do I mean by "obsessed"? Well I'll run you through the typical situation. Someone will introduce me to something completely new that I've never done before. Typically it's something like a game (video or board game), although a new sport or watching and talking about a new anime series is also completely possible.
As I start trying this new activity out I'll find it incredibly interesting and I'll make it something that I regularly do. My interest in the activity will steadily grow until it becomes a central part in what I do. So my life would be for example: attend uni, go home, do activity. However after a period of time, for no real reason in particular I'd suddenly drop the activity. Sometimes it's because I'd start getting bored with it but more often then not for no particular reason I'll stop doing it. Eventually I'd find something new to do and this process will repeat itself over and over again.
To be honest I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this side of myself. To some extent I wish I could just pick an activity I know I like and stick with it, but at the same time my life has been fun enough so far, so it's not like I'm not enjoying being like this. I've become a bit of a "jack of all trades" kind of person. I seem to have developed a skill in learning new things, I have the ability to pick up the basics in something quite quickly even though I've never done it before. I also seem to have a fairly wide-spread area of knowledge, yet I don't know the fine details in most of these areas. I guess part of the problem is that I also feel a bit like a "master of none", which kinda makes me feel a bit useless at times I guess. For example, I'll always completely fail in any trivia activity even if it involves questions that fall under my areas of expertise, simply because the questions asked often require some kind of detailed knowledge about the subject, or I'll have forgotten the answer even though I'll know I knew it at one point in time.
Interestingly enough there is one activity which I'm not quite as "obsessed" with, but has stuck with me for years on end. I've been programming for over 6 years now and I still find it highly enjoyable. I continually learn something new with it and I just find writing programs enjoyable. However despite this programming seems to be more like a secondary thing to me. Although I do tend to give myself programming projects which force me to learn and expand my knowledge in the area, I still tend to only do this when I'm not focusing or am unable to do what I'm currently "obsessed" with. Because of this, despite programming for so long, I'm so far from being a truly good programmer that I feel like I don't really have the right to be proud of my skill in it - despite the fact that it's probably my single best skill.
So how does all of this tie in with the title of today's post? Well, in essence I find myself lacking any particular goal. When I'm in my "obsessed" mode I get a kind of temporary goal which is usually "get better at this activity" and that goal is fine for the moment. However I feel it's no good simply hopping from one of my obsessions to another (although I don't really understand why I feel this way). I'm getting older and moving towards the time in my life where I need to be making decisions for the future, however because I lack a goal, because I don't have anything I want to achieve, I find no answers to these decisions.
I guess I'd like a job that doesn't completely suck and I'd like to be able to live comfortably, but they're not exactly something I really feel like I can strive for, it's not really something that motivates me. I guess I'm the type of person who's natural state is to lazily go with the flow. This is a deep contrast to my parents who are the type of people who are always striving to do as much as possible whenever they get the chance. They often push for me to be more like them, and I can understand why they do, however I just have no drive to be like that, and I often feel that either don't understand my lack of motivation or they don't see it as a reason to not be in the 'go' mode all the time. I know I would be better off if I was more like them in that regard, but without anything to strive for it's not going to happen.
In all honesty I actually wish I had a goal at the moment. I see people who have goals, who are motivated to put in so much work towards something and gain the satisfaction of getting closer to obtaining that goal - and I feel jealous that they have something that can drive them forward in the long run. I guess, for the time being, all I can do is go with the flow and hope I find my own goal.
pretty much how i feel alot of the time. I think the real problem may lie in dissatisfaction with your "one obsession to the next", if you were happy to be like that then it would be ok.
ReplyDeleteI have dicided to keep regularly doing things im not obsessed with, but sorta enjoy, and try and limit how much time i spend on obsession interests, that way i get a routine with the other parts of my life, and it feels more rounded.
Really, Lex? Is that all you can do? To Hope? Like think about it... Hope is so USELESS even when he's healing, he can't even heal himself so he dies straight away! >________< enough of that.
ReplyDeleteBut honestly, if you think you're jealous and all... a temporary goal is indeed good enough, in my opinion. If not, yes, a long term goal is necessary, and you may start to need to think of what to do as an occupation soon. From what it looks so far, it may be nice for you to have a look at programming firms (or something of the likes). But then again, that may not be something you want to pursue all your life. Think about it a bit more.
Either way, I do see you being a jack-of-all-trades and whatnot (I think I'm similar too) and it may be nice to become an "expert" at something, but it's not really necessary (of course unless you want to be a professional something). And lack of motivation probs mean that you haven't found something which you're really passionate about. Just take your time, and do a variety of things (maybe outside your leisure) and see how it goes. Good luck!
zzz my previous post didn't go up...
ReplyDeleteIn short, explore what options you have right now. In other words, see whether you want to consider computer programming as an occupation. If it's something which you relatively enjoy and wish to get better at, it indeed is something which you can pursue to become an expert. This doesn't mean you have to do this every day from now on, though. Just because you want to do it as a job, doesn't mean you need to be working on it every day when you don't have that job. See if you really want to do it as a job.
As for not having an expertise, people don't really need to have an expert area. I'm also the kind of guy who can do things very well in many things, but have yet to find something to become an expert at. This may indeed be due to not being motivated to become an expert. Take my drawings for example. I can draw (and getting better) well, but I'm not planning to take it up to a professional level, nor to a level which I will produce my own story on shelf. Yeah, I'm interested, but I'm not willing to go as far as an official release.
You've still got time. If you're really wondering what to do for your occupation (because programming isn't something you want to do as a job), you might need to explore a bit more. That is, try things out that's BEYOND your leisure activities. Good Luck!